Saturday, May 27, 2006

The Poverty of False Reality

Ever since I have been a young child, I have had several complexes. No, this is not something I want to reveal about myself. (Another representation of the insecurities which have existed for years on end.) I have always been one to please others. I've been taught to serve. After all, my dad, a pastor, and my mom, a nurse, are both servants in their work who believe their financial and living provisions are provided by the Almighty.

As an only child, or as the youngest and oldest child, I have never grasped the concept of accepting that love. Being born in a meritocratic world with laws which prescribe and prohibit behaviors while bombarding the young mind's mentality with self-directed representations of values, how is it even possible to live normally?

The infirmity which has been breaking me recently is relational. The feeling of not ever being able to be in a serious dating relationship with anybody is troubling me. That insecurity is reflected through resentment, attachment, jealousy, and idiocy. What is it that I want? If I like someone enough, I secretly want to be with them forever. I want to be the person in the center. Me. Me. Me. Just me. But dude, how is this even feasible?

Plagued with that image of being a "nice guy" who's so passive and doesn't do anything, has no conviction or balls to take a step forward, and on the other hand, not being "many" enough to respond in grunts, and just... not really care about things.... it's all bullshit. So what do I do? I hide. I don't allow myself, my real self to be exposed as is. I am no longer transparent, I become opaque.

I firmly believe in friendships growing into relationships that will be fruitful eventually... I still remember an aching thing from my past. It tells me, "dude, that's bullshit... how many times did you get played with that kind of mindset?" so i'm locked. trapped. stuck in between a place where i'm feeling envious of other guys who have it so easy, or... even feeling inferior to those particular gentlemen. This brings me to a point where I say, dude... I suck. I am confused. I say a prayer to Christ explaining to Him my lostness. How I long to come back home. I say I surrender but I only give Him some of the bad, but cling onto the cynical me, the jealous me, the insecure me. I hang on.......

But even thinking about this, I see how much of an idol or god (note: lower-case 'g') thoughts of dating and marriage can be. Where am I coming from? I believe (but am constantly learning about this belief in a realer sense) that the only relationship that can truly fill me does not come from trying to pour my all out into any particular friend or girl or family member or whatnot, but God, alone. When I try to impress somebody or try to get someone to like me.... I am not being real. I am in fact, deceiving in order to better my appearance in order to get a certain kind of relationship while I'm still the same insecure, broken man who hasn't really been healed or anything. I try to please by being somebody I am not. This is when the poverty of my false reality kicks me in the gut extra hard. But it's a correctional kick which reaches me on so many levels. Being revealed to this poverty, I come to see how ugly my attitude, intentions, and SELF is.

One thought I remember having last year when one of my friends in Irvine started getting really friendly with another friend was, "FUCK. How come I always get shitted on?" The reality was... he allowed God to work in Him. The manifestation of his relationship with his current girlfriend was real. They have a real and authentic relationship with transparency, openness, love, forgiveness, and kindness. I felt really jealous. All I said to myself was, "Dude, why do you gotta be such a bitch?" I attempted to drown the increasing insecurity and desolation with alcohol and drugs and contemplating suicide. Why? Why was I so negatively sensitive to this that I could not be okay with the joy my friends were both experiencing and be supportive and glad for them?

I realized how much of a god I tried to make of my pride/self and the girl. I realized how jealous I got and saw so much poverty in that. What is it that I wanted? I wanted a relationship that I thought could fulfill my deepest longings and satisfy my deepest insecurities. Nope. I came to realize the insecurities were magnified, and the gap of my longings was widened. Why? Christ was nowhere in the picture. Self was glorified. Flesh was pleased. Ugliness was justified.

God has a purpose and plan for me which is being reconciled with Him through Jesus Christ. Secondly, finding the right person is not as important as being the right person. Thirdly, I was hardly honest. I was living a fantasy in which I thought things would be so great if they were a certain way... I was seeking romance instead of friendship. What is a building built on little toothpicks? NOTHING. I was trying to build the roof without building the foundation first. As I continued to build the roof over the little cramped space I designated in my heart, it became more and more difficult to build up the friendship. So friendship was not sought before love. I was rushing things. God doesn't do quick-fixes (except in the case of miracles). The best things and most beautiful things are very painstakingly crafted or developed over a course of time. My intentions were ill. Being stuck in that fantasy gear, I longed to cultivate romance without the blessing or honesty or friendship to. I was not transparent. I was far from it. I lied. I lost sight of what a relationship is--it is intended to enjoy God and glorify God in togetherness and unity. I lost sight of the reality that I could very possibly and plausibly get hurt in a place where I did care and love and serve as well. I remember how I would disappoint my parents when I was younger. GOD'S PLAN IS THE BEST. No use in pursuing something which doesn't have his blessing.

God, please heal me from whatever's impeding me from experiencing full, joyful and intimate friendships with everybody. I feel that I am so uncapable of even being a friend. I feel like I've been squandering your riches in order to magnify myself and make myself seem like I'm the most important being in the world.... God, I feel the poverty of my false reality from throughout the years up until today. Forgive me for the times I've stumbled, had bad intentions and did not understand. Forgive me for being a spoiled kid, treating you like Santa Claus or a parent who withheld stuff. God, I believe you won't withhold good, ever. In this time, I come to you seeking to reconcile.... Please take my ugliness, my jealousy, my shadiness, my past, my doubt, and my foolishness.... No, take all of it. Take my joy, and mold it into your joy...